It’s been awhile since I’ve written, almost 3 months in fact. The longest I’ve gone without writing since I started writing 10 years ago.
I’ve been cocooning, drawing into my internal landscape, unsure of where I’m heading or what’s next. I still don’t. But what I do know is that I miss connecting with you.
Yet this time has been needed too.
It’s like walking a path blindfolded where I don’t know if the next step is up or down, soft or hard, warm or cold. It’s literally one step at a time feeling my way along.
What keeps my heart flowing along with steadiness through it all is my love for the Divine. She holds me every day, in the uncertainty, the fear, the frustration, the freedom without direction… all of it.
Without Her I’d be flailing, my arms wailing about above me gulping for air. But with Her, I’m walking each step with a trust, a faith that it’s all needed and just right. Damn, that’s hard sometimes.
I left Montana for the winter on the Solstice, to drive into the unknown of California and what it would bring for the next four months. How serendipitous – the start of more sunlight on this side of the globe.
I had an incredible stay in Joshua Tree with my family over the holidays – one of the best – my sister and I sharing some great times together (we’re not twins, promise),
and then on to help my mom look for a knew home. She’s been living out of her 17 foot camper van since she sold her house of 52 years in Orange County, CA.
It’s been a year and a half of camper living for her now. She just turned 80 years young last month (you can see where I get my vitality from).
Mom’s been parked at a membership campground 20 miles east of beautiful Santa Barbara, enjoying her new freedom from home ownership.
Until she wasn’t any more. She’s done with the transient lifestyle, the biting flies and the rat and mice infestation (wow, can they do some damage!).
She’s ready to have a home.
So we’ve been looking together. She realized she wants to live in a senior living community where there are other folks her age and lots of great amenities (like a swimming pool, spa, gym, pool tables (her favorite), bocci ball and more).
In January she found the place. It’s perfect for her. Located on the Central Coast near Arroyo Grande, I call it the Senior Club Med. We both know she’ll be happy there.
Here’s a spectacular hike we went on near there (that’s her on the rock with her arms up in the air – so awesome!):
For the last two months we’ve been driving the 1.5 hours up and down the coast from campground near Santa Barbara to look at homes in this community as they come on the market.
It feels important to be with her in this process – it’s a HUGE decision and doing it alone can feel so daunting. With each home we look at she asks me, “Well, what do you think?”
And I respond, “Well, what do you feel?”
She looks at me and says again, “I want to know what you think, that’s why I’m asking.” And I respond, “I want to know what you’re feeling first because I don’t want to influence your decision.”
We go round and round for bit. Then when she says she doesn’t like it, I’ll say, “Oh, whew, I didn’t like it either,” with a big sigh of relief in my chest.
These ones have been the easy ones. It’s the homes that have potential or have much of what she’s looking for that are the hard ones. And it’s the first time my intuition has been speaking for someone else so clearly.
In this regard, it’s an entirely knew role for me and with my mom. She’ll really like something or I like it too upon first look, and then intuition speaks up and says no. It’s that painful tightness in my chest that I can’t ignore.
Try telling your 80 year young mom who’s living out of her 17 foot camper van with the oncoming of summer biting flies and heat not to buy a home she likes because intuition is telling you no. Geez!
She’ll look at me, a look of hopes dashed, and ask why. I can’t tell her why because I don’t know. I just know it doesn’t feel right. There’s something about it that doesn’t feel right.
Mom’s been an amazing sport about this, doing her best to honor what I’m saying while holding on to threads of hope for the right one to come along – soon.
It’s lead to frustration and tension too. No wonder. I would react in the same way if I were her!
She said, “What if the The Perfect Home doesn’t come along and I’ve passed up on all these others?”
I replied, “Think of it like this: it’s like marrying the guy because he’s good enough, not because he’s right, but because you’re tired of waiting.”
Oh, how many times I’ve done things like that for the same reason!
And I’m guessing you have as well – because being human means we do things like that – and more than once.
Little i (ego) will want things in a certain time frame. To happen now. But Divine has a bigger knowing, a bigger time frame than what our minds understand (or want).
What if we were to trust, to have faith in the Divine time frame? In Gods time frame? When it was truly the right time? What might happen? It’s a big question, as it means grappling with our fears if it’s doesn’t happen in the time frame we want (now).
This is a really important part of the spiritual journey my dear friend. And one that comes up almost every day – to push just a little more to get ________ done by the end of the day, or apply for that job when you’re not done with the first so you have a safety net, or finding a new relationship post divorce to ease the fear of being “alone.”
I’ll let you in on a little secret – when I’m in fear and feeling stressed – I eat chocolate. I’ve been eating A LOT of chocolate over the last 2 months. In the same breath I eat the chocolate and work on trusting, while feeling the sadness of letting go of yet another potential home.
It’s not black and white or go no/go. It’s lots of shades of grey as we travel the journey. We are loved in all of it.
I’m so proud of my mom for stepping out into the unknown and trusting, even though it’s really, really hard at times. We both want to move out of the camper van and into a home, but for now we wait, both patiently and not so patiently, for The One to come along.
Blessings to you my dear friend in whatever ways you’re needing and wanting to trust and have faith in the Divine, in God, in Buddha, in whatever form Spirit manifests for you. As Spirit knows far more than we do – always.
Categories: Feminine Power, Heart Centered Living, Inner Wisdom & Intuition