I was gone. No where to be seen. In my relationship, that is. Where did I go? Well, I disappeared into all of my insecurities and beliefs around who I thought I “should” be in a relationship.

This is no fault or blaming of my partner, but being scared out of my wits to be myself, because I thought he would run the other direction if I did.

And guess what? This is as common for men to do as it is for women!

Because most of us are scared that if we are totally ourselves: stating what we really feel (and taking care of ourselves by doing the little things that make us happy instead of only the “to do” list), he/she will leave us. 

I can tell you from the experience it was a “sh___y” way to be in a relationship, and one that I am determined to not have happen again. (Taking full responsibility for my actions here!)

I admit, I’m not a relationship expert, or one to focus on this, but it’s something I see over and over again in the women that I work with… giving yourself away to the people you love the most. 

And what happens is that we feel frustrated, anxious, and even angry and resentful after awhile because we’ve forgotten about “us” in all of it. Or perhaps have never known how to really take care of ourselves outside of a relationship either.

Here are some pointers:

1. Notice what feeds your soul. Right now, write down two of your most favorite activities or things you do that make you happy or bring you joy. These are not from the “to do” list, these are fun things – they feed your soul and/or bring a smile to your face.
    
2. Make YOU a priority. Now, take today’s “to do” list and interject one of those two things onto your list. When your mind says, “but I HAVE to get ________done, or I don’t have time to play, really take a look at the HAVE to and tell the truth about it. Do you really have to get it done or can it wait until tomorrow or later in the week? My guess is – it can wait.

   Same goes for time. You have time for whatever you a make a priority. Making the “fun” activity a priority is making YOU a priority (and this is not selfish, it’s putting the oxygen mask on yourself first before giving to others).
    

3. Notice what you feel, step into your fear, and speak your truth. When you feel that heaviness or tightness in your stomach or chest after agreeing to something with your partner that you didn’t want to do or in not being honest, listen to it.

   Ask yourself what you really want or what you really feel. Tell yourself that you are important too, and practice saying what it is you want or feel. One sentence at a time. Start with writing it down, or practice with a friend first. Take baby steps… you are worth it!

   ••A note about fear – fear will hold you back like nothing else in not being yourself. Take a look at it, notice what you’re afraid of, and tell yourself the truth about it – remind yourself that it will all work out – all is well, all will be well…
    

4. Feed your soul in other areas too. And finally – notice how much you may be giving yourself away in your job or with your kids. I guarantee you will have more energy, patience, and presence for your job, kids, and relationship if you take important time to do the things that feed your soul like dance, sing, hike, draw, play guitar, and whatever else feed’s and nurtures your soul!

Categories: Heart Centered Living