With a move from Bozeman coming up this fall (and not sure where I’m going), I’ve been feeling the need to take some quiet time to listen.
To listen to what my intuition is saying. Last weekend was a “self-retreat” weekend.
It was time to go sit by some water (I find water to be a wonderful place for clarity). I looked at the map and saw the Missouri River – it looked BIG, and that’s what I wanted – lots of water.
I knew I needed this as I’d been feeling a little angst the last week and wanted to find out why. What was the angst telling me?
I found a beautiful camp spot on the river, pulled out my journal, and wrote.
I didn’t write about what I was thinking, or feeling; I wrote with some questions in mind.
It went something like this (I asked the question and just let my hand write – not what I wanted to write):
“Dear God (God has an impactful sound doesn’t it? But Spirit, Divine, Source, Universe all work great too), What is the angst about?”
My hand wrote in response, “The silent retreat you want to offer in Sept.”
“Well, can I offer it in Sept.?” I asked with trepidation.
My hand wrote
“Why?” I asked.
My hand wrote in response, “It’s not the right time.
My hand continued to write, “Put your focus into moving at that time. You may be moving in October.”
“OH. I wasn’t planning on that…,” I thought. (I had been thinking Nov.)
I rested with the words. Listening. It’s hard to do sometimes. Again, I wanted to do what “I” wanted to do vs. what I was being guided to do.
There was a rush of sadness as letting go of control settled in.
Another reminder that I’m not in control and my mind can’t see what’s coming. I could get stressed about it or worry or try and control (which I used to do), but I know that creates stress, worry, and angst. It’s NOT WORTH IT.
The conversation went on like this:
G: “Listen to Spirit.”
Me: “It’s hard sometimes!”
G: “I know. But trust.”
I put down my journal, looked out at the water, and with the sadness a sense of peace came over me. Not peace from not offering the retreat, but peace because I listened to my inner wisdom. Trusting. Letting go.
I’ve learned over and over again that when I don’t listen to this voice, I feel angst inside, I don’t feel peaceful, I try and control things, I hold on tight believing I can control life. But the reality is, I can’t. And neither can you.
We can’t control how we’ll feel in 10 minutes, we can’t control what someone will say to us, we can’t control the stock market, and if you don’t believe any of that, try and control what your next thought is going to be.
You can’t. Open up to life. Slow down so you can hear. Stop running away from yourself so you can hear. Surrender to what your intuition/inner wisdom is saying. What ever you’re wanting to hold on to because you believe it’s bringing you happiness is an illusion. Period.
Whatever you’re holding on to because you believe it will appease your fear, let go.
Happiness can only be found within you – not in anything outside of you – whether it’s a relationship, a material item, a job, a person, a title, nothing outside of you. As long as you believe that, you are running in the mental spin cycle – expecting a different result. In Buddhism it’s called Samsara – literally translated as “perpetual wondering.”
Let go. Let life in. This is the way.
End note: I won’t be offering another silent retreat in Sept. I wish I could, but I need to listen and trust what my intuition is saying. It’s important to me that you know how this is unfolding, because I know you want to learn to listen and trust your inner voice too.
Categories: Heart Centered Living