You fight for certainty. You want to know. You run from the uncertainty. “Give me the answer!” you yell from the top of your lungs.
The answer to why you feel unsettled. I know. I’ve been there.
For the last year and half, I’d felt this unsettled feeling. Not a lot, but when I’d come back from a trip. Back to my home. I’d wonder what I was doing there, move some furniture around, sit, feel unsettled, cry, but not sure why I was crying.
It didn’t feel like depression, but like something needed to change. This time though, I didn’t run from the feeling. Instead I noticed. I noticed what thoughts went through my head, I FELT the unsettledness in my body, I cried when I felt like crying. Something was changing and the answer of what wasn’t clear yet.
What I knew for sure is that I loved my work (and still do) and couldn’t imagine doing anything else. In fact, at a meditation retreat a few months ago, I experienced a feeling so strong to help more people be free of suffering that my heart ached. So why was I feeling unsettled?
I thought maybe buying a new house was it. Maybe that was the change I needed. After 2 months of casually looking, my intuition told me to hold off. I started to sense a move was coming to a different location, but it felt far off in time (or so I believed).
As the tears came and went, the feeling of being unsettled became less and less, until one day recently I was talking with a dear friend of mine (who is very intuitive), and I was telling her about what I was feeling and what was happening. I told her I sensed a move was coming and that I want to help more people, but it was all unclear. She looked at me square in the eyes and said, “You’re moving this fall aren’t you?”
In that moment I had a “Oh shit” moment of “She’s right.”
I took a big breath in and let this new realization settle in.
“Am I ready to do this?” “What about my business?” “How do I tell people?”
But despite the fearful thoughts, my heart felt relieved. Like a huge question had just been answered and I knew it was the right answer.
I realized that all the unsettled feelings and tears were grief. I was grieving Bozeman. I was grieving leaving my friends and spiritual community here, I was grieving leaving my house, I was grieving leaving the beauty of this place.
Bozeman has been my home for 12 years. It has nurtured me into the person I am now, and I know I wouldn’t be living my purpose without my time, experience and the people I’ve met here.
I also know it’s time to experience something knew. I know without change, and without following my intuition of needing this change, that I will not be my full potential. It’s that simple. More importantly, I know I need to move to a denser population so I can help and reach more people. This is my path.
It can be scary. Walking into the great unknown. We do it everyday, but these are big life changing unknowns. If we don’t acknowledge the need for change, we stay stuck, or unhappy, or depressed in our comfort zone. Yet the comfort zone is certain, so we don’t leave it and stay stuck, unhappy, or depressed. Do you see the cycle?
Allowing for uncertainty, for the unknown, and for grief as we let go of what we’re losing, allows us to embrace something new – the possible, the dreams, the potential within us to fully embrace all of what we’re capable of in our heart, mind, and spirit. It’s that simple. (If only it were that simple – right?!)
I feel so grateful for each day in Bozeman. I’m drinking in the green right now of the fields, the flowers, and trees, as I know this is my last summer in Bozeman living full time (I know I’ll be back to visit or give a retreat from time to time!).
It’s waking me up again to what’s around me, for this precious moment in time. It’s waking me up to opening my heart to life, trusting it to unfold just as it does in each moment, without expectations or fear, yet a readiness to embrace what’s to come.
The unsettled feeling is totally gone, replaced with a knowing that I’m in line with my purpose by making this move. There is excitement of the unknown – where am I moving too? I don’t know yet, but as my friend’s 8 year old son said the other day to me, “Just follow where your hands take you – they know the way.” Incredible wisdom from a child…
What do you sense needs to change in your life? What are you willing to walk into with uncertainty and grief so that you can be your full potential and true essence?
Categories: Inner Wisdom & Intuition