Curses to life when it doesn’t go as planned. But who makes the plan anyway? It’s a little part of my brain that decides what the plan is.
How can that little part of my brain control all the factors that go into that plan unfolding as I want it ? I mean really?
My teacher often said, “Live your life as if you’re in control, while knowing that you’re not.”
Hmmm. I want to be in control sometimes, but the reality is I’m not. When I think I am is when I suffer. When I trust and accept, I don’t suffer.
It’s fascinating to me to reflect on the last two weeks of what unfolded. When I was in it, I felt like one of those birdies that’s used in badminton – not in a bad way, more like feeling unsettled, flying from one thing to the next, unsure; curious, yet doubting, grounded, yet fearful. It was all rolled into one.
I was flying from one town to the next looking for that next home, while my mom so easily agreed to the daily movement and fast pace we were on. I sometimes snapped at her and wondered where it came from. Who was saying those things? I thought I had left that behind… but as the Buddha teaches, Mara comes back again and again to help you see where you are in your old conditioned patterns.
Mara was coming for dinner most nights.
I continued to watch it all unfold, each day with an intention to be open and loving.
We stopped through the place that I may be moving to, but I didn’t even consider it at that point as a possibility – interesting.
Then Dave died.
Hmmm. I can see when I went through each stage of grief last week.
- Denial and isolation: No, this can’t be happening. He’ll be o.k. till I get back. I’m suppose to be with him when he goes.
- Anger: I cursed God, and I cursed myself for leaving home.
- Bargaining: “If only I had…” – this went on for several days.
- Depression: Feels like sadness for the loss. Still present, but much less so than last week.
- Acceptance: Began on Friday. The bargaining went away and acceptance began to filter in. It soothed my heart, and the grief started to lift.
The sadness is still there some, but each day becomes brighter and lighter. Each day clearer and filled with more gratitude.
Acceptance isn’t agreeing with what happen, but an opening to what happened. The recognition of it happening as it did. I can’t change the past. I could continue to berate myself with “if only’s,” but it doesn’t change what happened. When I began to accept what happened, it allowed me to see the miracle of all of it. The people he was with when he passed and the opportunity to say goodbye to him. Truly a gift.
When I returned home, I needed to take that time to allow for grief, trusting in the intuitive hit I got in Santa Cruz when I questioned why I came on this trip and where I am moving to: “Grieve now, it will be clear later.”
As the fog of grief began to lift over the weekend, Monterey area came up as a possibility.
Just south of there, my mom and I stopped at Point Lobos which is filled with Sea Lions and Otters. I stood out on the cliff and yelled to the wind “I’M FREEEEE!!!!!!!”
Not that I was being held prisoner, but that I felt so free hanging over the ocean there hearing the waves crash onto the rocks, and the power of mother nature in the wildlife and water.
I hadn’t considered Monterey area as a place to live (at all), but I knew I wanted to see the Asilomar conference grounds on the coast where the movie “The Shift” with Wayne Dyer was filmed.
It was beautiful and serene.
I loved the feel of Pacific Grove.
We drove off minutes later to Santa Cruz thinking SC would be the place. But when I got there, I knew it wasn’t. Too fast paced for my energy.
Monterey could be the place, but last night intuition said it may not be or to at least slow down in my decision making, so I’m listening… taking my time with what is unfolding.
I want to savor Bozeman and all the people I love and care for here. I want to savor the leaves turning color, and the snow covered mountains, I want to savor the sound of the train going by, and the pink sunset from the M trail.
I want to savor life and this transition – letting go of the planning, the needing to know how it’s all going to unfold, and being with what is and the space and time I need.
Thank you, thank you.
Categories: Heart Centered Living