As I sit down to write this, I’m feeling filled with emotion. A bit like a roller coaster ride. You probably know what I mean. I feel sadness, excitement, peace, joy, grieving, and gratitude. Yes, all of them swirling around in there…
I just returned from 3 weeks of travel to Hawaii. A place I’ve never been before. I haven’t traveled very far since getting sick with a 2 year virus in 2005, and this was my first big trip back out into the world, which I have so missed.
It was a trip to explore, relax and play, but it provided so much more than that. Being a minority in Honolulu revived my humility and wonder – wanting to know about the cultures surrounding me, and learning to surf revived my childlike excitement for a new experience.
Yet there was something even deeper going on. I was pulled to the ocean, almost every day, to play or just sit there and watch the waves roll onto the shore. Sometimes a calm shore, sometimes watching waves that towered 20 feet high and crashing against the shore or cliff sending spray 50 feet in the air…the sound of the waves filling my body.
Twice I experienced a strong inner intuitive voice while I was by the water that said, “You are exactly where you need to be. Keep listening. Keep exploring. There is something deeper awakening in you. A deep, powerful feminine essence that’s coming alive.”
This might sound a little woo woo to some of you, but I kid you not, these were the words. And I don’t discount them. I know they are true. In some traditions, water represents feminine energy. The combination of the ocean with the power of the waves, current, and size add up to big feminine energy.
This is really significant for me because up until 6 years ago, I completely rejected being a woman. I wasn’t conscious of this, but the belief ran deep that if I was a man I would be so much more loved and accepted in life. For more of the story of this, read my blog post “Why honor your feminine side?“
There have been layers of beliefs falling away in order to honor my feminine side, and I am more of me than ever because of it. This trip showed me there is still more to honor and uncover, which is incredibly exciting and scary at the same time!
The grief and sadness that I feel? I sense there is a letting go of a part of me that I thought was me, but isn’t. That’s what happens as you grow and awaken to who you truly are: as the true you awakens, the part that doesn’t serve you any more lets go or dies away, and there is grieving that happens.
I console her – that part of me that doesn’t want to leave, but knows it’s time. That part of me that says “you don’t need to hold on to this anymore.” So I cry, I feel sad, and then I feel joy, and then I feel sad again. It’s all part of it. Then the sadness moves through me and it’s done when it’s ready to be done.
The other sadness is my little buddy Dave, my cat, who’s been with me for 12 years. I mean really been with me – from living with a closed heart, to anxiety, to a panic attack, to waking up, to truly loving. He’s seen it all and helped me through it all. He has kidney disease now (I found out right before I left on my trip), and when I returned from my trip he had lost a lot of weight. My heart dropped into my stomach. I’m not quite ready to lose him yet, but when are we ever really ready to lose someone or something we love so much…
Maybe he’ll live another year or two, maybe not. But what I commit to is being present for him and for me through it all. No running, no hiding from death, but to be there with him as his companion through this latter part of life as he’s been for me.
So all of this brings me to 2014. A new year. And as I reflect on this past year over the last 3 weeks, I realize I have so much to celebrate: the connections I have with friends, the commitment I gave to my business and the people I am so honored to work with, and my own spiritual growth and continued awakening.
As I enter 2014, I am choosing to leave behind my grasping at wanting things to happen in a certain time frame, and my intention going into the new year is to cultivate the powerful feminine within me. I’ll share my word of the year with you next week! To create your own word of the year, check out my blog post here.
In the mean time, take 5 to 10 minutes to create new intentions for 2014.
What you put your attention on grows…
- First, write down your celebrations from 2013. What are you proud of? What are you noticing in yourself?
- Second, write down what you want to let go of going into 2014. What is a way of being that is not serving you anymore?
- Third, write down your intention(s) for 2014. What do you want to cultivate in yourself this coming year? Why?
Here’s to your truth and essence!
Categories: Heart Centered Living