Follow the longing

Summer in Montana is a bit manic. We’re all trying to fit in everything we can outside in the short amount of time we have.

I heard a great joke recently from my friend Kathleen when it snowed on summer solstice (seriously, it did):

Two Montanan’s were talking and one said, “Gosh, I really love summers in Montana.” And the other replied, “Ya, me too, last year it fell on a Tuesday.”

HA! Sometimes it feels that short. Yet that’s what makes it even more magical and precious.

I’ve been immersed in outside play and home and yard projects and loving every minute of it.

I’ve also been reflecting on the past year. It’s been one year since The Experience at the cabin at Big Sur (click here to read about it) and a wild ride since then (who’s kidding, the last 4 years have been a wild ride!).

It feels important to say it bluntly: a year ago is when “I” dissolved and Divine Union with God unfolded.

It’s been a year of being sexually free in my body and knowing what it’s like to be head over heals in love with my body, my soul, my heart, and my mind, all of which are a manifestation of God.

I have discovered my Beloved and feel there is nothing missing. All I need is right here in my being in every moment.

I have an unwavering smile that emanates from the joy in my heart. Is this possible? I ask sometimes. It’s the difference from feeling connected to every thing and every one with God versus separated.

It hasn’t been all roses the last year though.

It unfolded like this: for the first 7 months, I happily sat on what I call my “bliss cushion.” It’s a metaphor for the incredible joy and divine euphoria I was feeling. It was absolute heaven.

A mentor wisely cautioned me to not be disappointed when I came down from my divine high. I thought she was being overly cautious.

I was being triggered by nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was like little i was completely gone and nothing could bring her back. I was attached to nothing, smiling every day from this new experience of divine ecstasy.

And then it happened. Little i (ego) came roaring back with two painful experiences back to back over the winter.

Old neuropathways lit up, old patterns came back, and conflict and resentment resurfaced.

My bliss cushion popped.
For 7 weeks.

It then turned into a resentment for the world (not exaggerating). I wanted to tuck myself into a quiet little monastery where I could be with God and not feel the worlds pain or my own pain.

I wanted to escape.

Until I talked with another mentor of mine and she wisely said, “Angela, think of the spiritual path as a large tree. The trunk is the path, and you are out on the “branch of bliss”. It will only go so far. You need to come back to the main trunk – come back into the world.”

“OH” I said with a sigh and a knowing. That was and is the journey.

There’s no escaping this human experience. It’s all part of the package. AND it’s the path. THE PATH.

It’s not like you or I or we have an “awakening” and are free from all suffering.

It’s more like there’s an awakening or divine experience and it gives us context for, and a grounding from, to navigate through the human experience.

It gives us the connection with God to have compassion and love for ourselves and others. It gives us the compass from which to navigate through life’s challenges, and it gives us the gratitude and an eternal spring of joy from the heart to share with others.

When I look back, the divine experience in my heart never left during that painful time – it kept bringing me back to forgiveness.

Forgiveness of myself and others.

Your God Self will always point you in the direction of inner peace, whether it’s forgiving a friend or how to spend your day tomorrow.

The more you can take time to be still, to connect within, the more you will know this voice. The more you will know your God Self.

I can’t share enough how every ounce of energy, every moment of intention, every challenge along the way is worth it a million times over.

If the first 7 months were called “settling” of the divine experience, I would now call the last 5 months “integration.”

There’s an integration happening where the human experience and the divine experience within are joining together. There’s a learning, a cocooning, a metamorphosis happening and it’s my job to keep my life and my activities simple.

Everything needs to stay simple for this integration and building of energy to occur.

Wherever you are on your path, stay true to it. You may wonder off from time to time, but you’ll come back.

If you’re reading this, you’re on the path. This I know. God speaks to your heart calling you home.

Father Ronald Rolheiser writes: 
Whatever the expression, everyone is ultimately talking about the same thing – an unquenchable fire, a restlessness, a longing, a disquiet, a hunger, a loneliness, a gnawing nostalgia, a wildness that cannot be tamed, a congenital, all-embracing ache that lies at the center of human experience and is the ultimate force that drives everything else… What we do with our longings, both in terms of handling the pain and the hope they bring us, that is our spirituality.

St. Gertrude the Great, a German Benedictine nun and mystic from the 12th century, said to God: “You have quenched my spiritual thirst by allowing me to drink of your love.”

Follow that longing my dear friend, for it will lead you home.

Categories: Gratitude, Health & Happiness, Heart Centered Living, Inner Wisdom & Intuition, Uncategorized

About the Author: Angela Patnode

My passion, my calling, is for you to be totally you. Through private coaching, in-depth retreats, and online group coaching programs, I help you tap into your intuition and clarify your desires and vision, I guide you to take active steps toward making your desires a reality.

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