An unexpected journey

In coming out of a 9 month sabbatical, I’ve been reflecting on what a wild and unexpected journey the last year has been. 

Last winter, intuition told me to stop working with clients who wanted coaching with health improvement.

Then in the spring, intuition told me to stop working with clients who wanted to do my longer term programs.

By June, intuition told me to stop working. Period. Each step of this journey involved much resistance and fear before I could let go and trust. 

I loved my work. I loved helping people the way I did. And it was also how I supported myself. It felt absolutely CRAZY to not work for many reasons (my rational mind and little i thought).

What I didn’t know at the time is that it was breaking down the identification I had become in being a “coach” and “spiritual teacher.”

It broke down the belief that I had to support myself because there was no other way, and the limiting beliefs I had around money and it’s abundance.

And lastly, it broke down the structure of my business as a day to day routine. What was I going to do with my days (aside from helping my mom clean out her house of 25 years)?

When intuition gives me guidance or direction and I DON’T honor it or listen to it, I get a sharp pain/anxiety in my chest which gets more intense the longer I resist it.

Then that turns into hip and back pain. So NOT listening to my intuition is not an option unless I want a lot of self inflicted torture and suffering.

I sometimes curse it, but I know ultimately it’s a gift.

Have you seen the movie Evan Almighty with Steve Carell? (I’ll share the link to the trailer at the end of story)

It’s a brilliant comedy about Even Baxter, recently elected congressman who has his life planned out until he tells God he wants to change the world.

So God begins to send him messages that he’s suppose to build an Ark for the animals. 

He thought it was crazy. He couldn’t understand it. He fought it. As an anally clean person who was extremely clean cut, God gave him a beard and a “moses” robe, which he tried to outwit and outsmart God to shave off and not wear. I was laughing hysterically.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried doing the same thing – outwit or outsmart intuition so I could stick to the “plan” (not the beard and robe :-).

Little i still wants to stick to her plan sometimes, but I usually come to realize the only reason I want to stick to the plan is because I fear the unknown if I don’t.

Yet, when I finally surrendered to intuition, and grieved what I was letting go of, I felt relief. Relief that I could put all my energy into helping my mom, and not spread myself out so much. 

It also made room energetically for the powerful sacred experience I had on retreat in August at the cabin in Big Sur after I was done helping mom. 

After that, I couldn’t have worked if I wanted to, for many months. My body, mind and energy needed time to adjust to this new and direct experience with God that shifted how I viewed myself and the world. 

I simplified my home and all my stuff, I cleansed, I was pruned down to the core. 

I discovered that I was supported by many people who value the spiritual path. God showed it’s abundance through my family, through friends, through community and so much more. There was no “lacking” any more.

The other major shift from the experience in August was that the feeling of “seeking” was no longer there. I didn’t feel the need to “search” for Spirit. Spirit was right there, within me. 

While on this last retreat at the monastery, I was able to put it into words – that I’d COME HOME. 

That’s what we’re all looking for as seekers. We’re seeking home, the Great Light from which we’ve come. To know that light, to recognize that light, to honor that light, to pray to that light, to surrender to that light. The light that is within us.

St. Teresa of Avila says, “Within oneself, very clearly, is the best place to look for God, and it’s not necessary to go any further than our own selves; for to do so is to tire the spirit and distract the soul.”

My journey this last year has been to surrender my will to God’s will so I could come Home to the Great Light. I didn’t know that’s why I was doing it at the time, but looking back, I see it now.

The Great Light is within you, it is within all of us. 

It’s not an easy path. For little i will resist and push against it. She will demand. She will bargain. She will fight and get angry. She will try to outwit. But when all of that let’s go, there will be deep peace and joy being in the flow with God. 

And this is part of the journey. We wouldn’t be human without it. As Father Stephen said to me at the monastery, “If you weren’t being tempted by little i, you’d be in the grave!” 

My life rides both sides of this line.

Now on the other side of sabbatical, I come out of the cocoon with new eyes while being wise and compassionate to fact that I’m still tempted and pulled by desire, fear and resistance.

From this wisdom, here’s what I want to pass on to you:

  • Life will continuously ask you to let go of your identities. Breathe into the fear and walk forward. You are not alone. There’s a greater Source that is guiding you.

  • There’s incredible abundance in this world. Giving and receiving are part of how God works through us. 

  • For each stage of your spiritual path you journey through, allow time for it to settle. As Father Stephen said, you must allow yourself the time to fully bake, otherwise you’ll come out half baked :-).

  • Have compassion for yourself as you resist intuition (Gods will) and celebrate when you’re in the flow. Your life will move between the two.

  • Spirit is within. God is within. Divine is within. Home is within. Love, humility and non-attachment will bring you home.

  • God is always present. God works through you and all those around you. Every act of kindness, helping hand, support, encouragement, forgiveness, and compassion you experience is all Spirit working. 

I leave you with my interpretation of the “Our Father” prayer that I have a new appreciation for:

My Lord, who art of all things, I bow to You.
Your love and Your will, may I surrender to.
Thank You for this day of bounty you provide.
May I forgive and love myself and others as You unconditionally love me.
Lead me through the desires of the ego, into the eternal bliss of Your love.

Many blessings and love,

Categories: Feminine Power, Gratitude, Heart Centered Living, Inner Wisdom & Intuition

About the Author: Angela Patnode

My passion, my calling, is for you to be totally you. Through private coaching, in-depth retreats, and online group coaching programs, I help you tap into your intuition and clarify your desires and vision, I guide you to take active steps toward making your desires a reality.

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